The Mystery of The Missing Muse

No, not the latest Tin Tin / Scooby Doo / Famous Five offering but the reason why there has been no ramblings from yours truly since the start of the season.

Not only was my Muse last seen heading for the door at the start of the season but she was closely followed by the sands of time.

It is not as if several folk have not nagged me into getting my act together and writing something (especially Mr Sarek and a very nice lady from Norfolk that I met at the Eastern Counties Safeguarding Conference who actually recognised me and, in front of witnesses, said that she thought “I was quite funny.” Most people that I meet tell me this but I suspect that we may be at cross purposes.)

Anyway, Muse now primed and sands back in the timer so sit back and enjoy the ride.

Lads That Lunch

One of the roles of a Club President is to represent the Club at fixtures wherever possible usually involving a lunch beforehand.

So far this season I have been to all the home fixtures and all bar one of the away games.

Given that I had hardly attended a club lunch before this season, this merry-go-round of fun, food and frivolity could be described (with absolutely no apologies for the split infinitive) as:

“a two year mission: to explore strange new clubs, to seek out new jokes and new sustenance, to boldly dine where I have never dined before.”

Having actually stopped playing (some may say that I never started) in order to carry out these Presidential duties, I was worried that my fitness levels may drop and that my racing snake physique would desert me. Ironically, as I spend less time recovering after playing matches, I spend more time being able to keep fit the result of which is that I am leaner, meaner and fitter than before (but an even worse player).

The role of the President at home matches is to act as the host and to ensure that the guests (who usually include officials from the visiting club, the club sponsors and other dignitaries) have a spiffing time and are well looked after. As soon as they look as if they are enjoying themselves, it becomes my job to stop them having fun by standing up and telling “jokes”.

Works every time.

So, if you think that for your lunch money you are going to get food and humour at a CRFC lunch, best you rent an Alan Carr DVD and pick up a kebab. (You can watch the match highlights on YouTube....eventually.)

On a serious note, I have dined with some truly iconic figures from club rugby. It is these people, some larger than life (and I don’t mean because they have eaten too many club lunches, although this may well be true in some cases) that have shaped the grass roots game and who are absolute legends. They have devoted time, expertise and, in many cases, money to shape their clubs and each and every one of them is justifiably proud of what they have achieved. I am truly humbled by some of the personalities that I have met.

I have expanded my own knowledge of the workings of other clubs and learned of their trials and tribulations in these troubled economic times and how they address the often conflicting demands that are placed upon community clubs. The sharing of information and experiences is invaluable if the game as a whole is to develop and clubs are going to succeed.

Although this section is headed “Lads That Lunch” it is really pleasing to see the number of ladies who are attending lunches not just with their boyfriends / husbands / partners (or all three) but in  groups of their own. Ladies, please keep coming and, please, spread the word.

Meetings

Milton Berle once wrote “a committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.”

Milton Berle, clearly, never attended a CRFC Executive Committee Meeting!

With an agenda large enough to paper the Great Wall of China, proceedings at the monthly gathering have to be conducted expertly by Chairman Powell and, I am pleased to say, that, as result of his expert stewradship of our meetings, a much smaller part of my life is spent in the small bar at CRFC (every third Monday) than may otherwise be the case.

This is usually helped by:

1. Chewing over matters by email beforehand. This is fine until it is discovered that your circulation list does not include the Club Secretary with whom the whole matter has to be gone over again in the meeting thus, firstly, wasting the time that you thought you had saved by using the “technology” and, secondly, upsetting said Secretary who thinks that there has been a conspiracy to keep him out of the loop!

2. Speaking quickly.

3. Not thinking before speaking (not as easy as it sounds although some have it down to a fine artJ)

It was a truly wizard ruse on the part of one of our committee members to suggest that we install a coffee machine at the club. The upshot of this is that we found ourselves obliged to “test drive” such a machine ahead of one meeting.

I suspect that the entire coffee / cocoa output of Brazil was sampled during the course of this demonstration. The result of this was that “2” above was achieved with ease but the time saving was slightly offset by the number of “comfort breaks” that some of the more mature (o.k. “older”) committee members had to take. This is probably the first time that the word “diuretic” has found its way into the minutes

I have to admit to being taken aback at the cost of such a machine (more than my car is worth!) but it didn’t half turn out some nice coffee. On the question of cost, the rep was asked whether his company produced any cheaper machines. In his very best “are you something that I have just trodden in” voice he responded “yes sir; a kettle.”

Good point well made

On a cautionary note, if you are going to comment on accounts that are presented to you at any meeting, please make sure that you know how to read them.

Picture the scene. Most of the Committee lined up on the clubhouse roof ready to jump when “Mr X”declares that the rather large figure in the accounts that he thought was a debit was, in fact, a credit. (We didn’t get quite as far as the roof because we couldn’t get past the coffee machine without having a  top-up which in turn led to more visits to the gents and so it goes on.)

Girl Power

CRFC has not, until comparatively recently, devoted as much time and effort to cultivating a girls / ladies section as, perhaps, it should have done.

However, thanks to the efforts of several people (you know who you are), we have an outstanding nucleus of young ladies playing at the club and moves are afoot to shape and organise the section in order to ensure that it remains sustainable and that it continues to attract players.

I recently refereed the girls’ game against the “Aylsford Bulls” an established team from Kent containing some extremely talented players (including a 13 year old girl who was successfully kicking conversions from the touchline). Colchester came second but the game acted as a benchmark for the Colchester players who, until now, had not met such sublime opposition. The attitude and commitment of the Colchester girls was fantastic which bodes really well for the future.

(I remain, however, to be convinced that the half time “choccy break” was a good idea!)

So, if you are a girl /lady / young lady who fancies a go at the game, please get in touch.

Boy Power

Colchester’s First XV continues to impress although its habit of “coming from behind” does nothing for the digestion following a club lunch!

Lads, the 65-30 victory over Hammersmith and Fulham was utterly brilliant but, next time, can you rack up the 50 points that you scored in the second half in the first half instead? This would drastically reduce the risk of a major cardiovascular incident among the older generation of supporter and avoid your lead coach from developing frown lines that make the Grand Canyon look like a hairline crack.

Anyway, superb effort to date. Top of the pile and looking good (and I don’t just mean those among you who have been appearing on T.V. recently.)

Best Joke That I have Heard at A Club Lunch Award

There are two contenders both courtesy the Letchworth Chairman. You decide.

“I was walking through the churchyard the other day when I saw this bloke standing behind a gravestone. “Morning” I shouted. “No” he replied “having a pi**”

And....

“My girlfriend told me that I must stop stalking people. She’s not really my girlfriend. Well, not yet, anyway.”

Nice and subtle!

And Finally.......

1. Would Mike Tindall be £25k better off if England had won the World Cup?

2. Would someone please tell Sean Edwards that he is English which is not spelled W.E.L.S.H.

3. Now that Johnno has got a bit of time on his hands, the Colchester U14s could do with an extra coach (they are not too much of a handful off the pitch either.) No pay but you may get the odd left-over burger.

The next edition of this blog is likely to be a “Christmas Special” which in line with television programming over the festive season, means that it will be largely repetitive, contain material that only your octogenarian relatives wish to read and will feature adverts for Easter Eggs.

Remember, for some games you need a ball, for others you need two.

Ciao.

(Pretentious, moi?)

MP