The Mystery of The Missing Muse

No, not the latest Tin Tin / Scooby Doo / Famous Five offering but the reason why there has been no ramblings from yours truly since the start of the season.

Not only was my Muse last seen heading for the door at the start of the season but she was closely followed by the sands of time.

It is not as if several folk have not nagged me into getting my act together and writing something (especially Mr Sarek and a very nice lady from Norfolk that I met at the Eastern Counties Safeguarding Conference who actually recognised me and, in front of witnesses, said that she thought “I was quite funny.” Most people that I meet tell me this but I suspect that we may be at cross purposes.)

Anyway, Muse now primed and sands back in the timer so sit back and enjoy the ride.

Lads That Lunch

One of the roles of a Club President is to represent the Club at fixtures wherever possible usually involving a lunch beforehand.

So far this season I have been to all the home fixtures and all bar one of the away games.

Given that I had hardly attended a club lunch before this season, this merry-go-round of fun, food and frivolity could be described (with absolutely no apologies for the split infinitive) as:

“a two year mission: to explore strange new clubs, to seek out new jokes and new sustenance, to boldly dine where I have never dined before.”

Having actually stopped playing (some may say that I never started) in order to carry out these Presidential duties, I was worried that my fitness levels may drop and that my racing snake physique would desert me. Ironically, as I spend less time recovering after playing matches, I spend more time being able to keep fit the result of which is that I am leaner, meaner and fitter than before (but an even worse player).

The role of the President at home matches is to act as the host and to ensure that the guests (who usually include officials from the visiting club, the club sponsors and other dignitaries) have a spiffing time and are well looked after. As soon as they look as if they are enjoying themselves, it becomes my job to stop them having fun by standing up and telling “jokes”.

Works every time.

So, if you think that for your lunch money you are going to get food and humour at a CRFC lunch, best you rent an Alan Carr DVD and pick up a kebab. (You can watch the match highlights on YouTube....eventually.)

On a serious note, I have dined with some truly iconic figures from club rugby. It is these people, some larger than life (and I don’t mean because they have eaten too many club lunches, although this may well be true in some cases) that have shaped the grass roots game and who are absolute legends. They have devoted time, expertise and, in many cases, money to shape their clubs and each and every one of them is justifiably proud of what they have achieved. I am truly humbled by some of the personalities that I have met.

I have expanded my own knowledge of the workings of other clubs and learned of their trials and tribulations in these troubled economic times and how they address the often conflicting demands that are placed upon community clubs. The sharing of information and experiences is invaluable if the game as a whole is to develop and clubs are going to succeed.

Although this section is headed “Lads That Lunch” it is really pleasing to see the number of ladies who are attending lunches not just with their boyfriends / husbands / partners (or all three) but in  groups of their own. Ladies, please keep coming and, please, spread the word.

Meetings

Milton Berle once wrote “a committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.”

Milton Berle, clearly, never attended a CRFC Executive Committee Meeting!

With an agenda large enough to paper the Great Wall of China, proceedings at the monthly gathering have to be conducted expertly by Chairman Powell and, I am pleased to say, that, as result of his expert stewradship of our meetings, a much smaller part of my life is spent in the small bar at CRFC (every third Monday) than may otherwise be the case.

This is usually helped by:

1. Chewing over matters by email beforehand. This is fine until it is discovered that your circulation list does not include the Club Secretary with whom the whole matter has to be gone over again in the meeting thus, firstly, wasting the time that you thought you had saved by using the “technology” and, secondly, upsetting said Secretary who thinks that there has been a conspiracy to keep him out of the loop!

2. Speaking quickly.

3. Not thinking before speaking (not as easy as it sounds although some have it down to a fine artJ)

It was a truly wizard ruse on the part of one of our committee members to suggest that we install a coffee machine at the club. The upshot of this is that we found ourselves obliged to “test drive” such a machine ahead of one meeting.

I suspect that the entire coffee / cocoa output of Brazil was sampled during the course of this demonstration. The result of this was that “2” above was achieved with ease but the time saving was slightly offset by the number of “comfort breaks” that some of the more mature (o.k. “older”) committee members had to take. This is probably the first time that the word “diuretic” has found its way into the minutes

I have to admit to being taken aback at the cost of such a machine (more than my car is worth!) but it didn’t half turn out some nice coffee. On the question of cost, the rep was asked whether his company produced any cheaper machines. In his very best “are you something that I have just trodden in” voice he responded “yes sir; a kettle.”

Good point well made

On a cautionary note, if you are going to comment on accounts that are presented to you at any meeting, please make sure that you know how to read them.

Picture the scene. Most of the Committee lined up on the clubhouse roof ready to jump when “Mr X”declares that the rather large figure in the accounts that he thought was a debit was, in fact, a credit. (We didn’t get quite as far as the roof because we couldn’t get past the coffee machine without having a  top-up which in turn led to more visits to the gents and so it goes on.)

Girl Power

CRFC has not, until comparatively recently, devoted as much time and effort to cultivating a girls / ladies section as, perhaps, it should have done.

However, thanks to the efforts of several people (you know who you are), we have an outstanding nucleus of young ladies playing at the club and moves are afoot to shape and organise the section in order to ensure that it remains sustainable and that it continues to attract players.

I recently refereed the girls’ game against the “Aylsford Bulls” an established team from Kent containing some extremely talented players (including a 13 year old girl who was successfully kicking conversions from the touchline). Colchester came second but the game acted as a benchmark for the Colchester players who, until now, had not met such sublime opposition. The attitude and commitment of the Colchester girls was fantastic which bodes really well for the future.

(I remain, however, to be convinced that the half time “choccy break” was a good idea!)

So, if you are a girl /lady / young lady who fancies a go at the game, please get in touch.

Boy Power

Colchester’s First XV continues to impress although its habit of “coming from behind” does nothing for the digestion following a club lunch!

Lads, the 65-30 victory over Hammersmith and Fulham was utterly brilliant but, next time, can you rack up the 50 points that you scored in the second half in the first half instead? This would drastically reduce the risk of a major cardiovascular incident among the older generation of supporter and avoid your lead coach from developing frown lines that make the Grand Canyon look like a hairline crack.

Anyway, superb effort to date. Top of the pile and looking good (and I don’t just mean those among you who have been appearing on T.V. recently.)

Best Joke That I have Heard at A Club Lunch Award

There are two contenders both courtesy the Letchworth Chairman. You decide.

“I was walking through the churchyard the other day when I saw this bloke standing behind a gravestone. “Morning” I shouted. “No” he replied “having a pi**”

And....

“My girlfriend told me that I must stop stalking people. She’s not really my girlfriend. Well, not yet, anyway.”

Nice and subtle!

And Finally.......

1. Would Mike Tindall be £25k better off if England had won the World Cup?

2. Would someone please tell Sean Edwards that he is English which is not spelled W.E.L.S.H.

3. Now that Johnno has got a bit of time on his hands, the Colchester U14s could do with an extra coach (they are not too much of a handful off the pitch either.) No pay but you may get the odd left-over burger.

The next edition of this blog is likely to be a “Christmas Special” which in line with television programming over the festive season, means that it will be largely repetitive, contain material that only your octogenarian relatives wish to read and will feature adverts for Easter Eggs.

Remember, for some games you need a ball, for others you need two.

Ciao.

(Pretentious, moi?)

MP

Striking Eagle

The title of this piece is not, as a few (very few) people may have assumed, a reference to my prowess on a Saturday afternoon when playing for the Colchester RFC 4ths but refers to the emblem of 16 Air Assault Brigade who recently held a reception / presentation to which my predecessor as President of Colchester RFC, Dave Wright, and myself were invited.

We gathered at the new Merville Barracks (what a fantastic development) along with various dignitaries and “worthies” from all circles of life in Colchester not quite certain what was in store (or indeed why we had been invited). I did, however, discover that trying to eat a large digestive biscuit whilst trying to hold a conversation with a local Councillor ranks pretty high up the list of “Social Gaffes.”

The evening turned into a marvellous presentation by the brigade of its role in Afghanistan and involved talks by the officers and an introduction to one of the patrols which was fully kitted out and included a  sniffer dog (itself a “Tae Kwon Do” expert) which had served in Helmand.

It was reinforced that the situation in Afghanistan was not “warfare” in the conventional sense but a multi-faceted campaign, not to return control of the country to its people, but to empower them to take back control for themselves. The aim is to do this by way of training the Afghan National Army and the Afghan National Police and creating “wiggle room” in which they could develop and learn to operate.

This has to be done without interfering with the established beliefs and culture of the inhabitants many of which differ vastly from our own.

For my part, the most interesting part of the evening was the post-presentation opportunity to talk informally to the officers and men (and woman!) of the unit. This confirmed what, personally, I already believed to be the case being that the Afghan campaign is being well served by dedicated and well trained soldiers who hold a sincere belief that the role they are playing is having a positive affect on that country and its people.

Indeed, as we know, many have lost their lives in this cause.

So, next time the “Fourth Estate” starts bleating about what a waste of time and money the Afghan campaign is, please join the queue behind me to smack them one.

(The evening was also used by DW and me as an opportunity to try and recruit some senior players for the club. I think we may have struck lucky with one gentleman but we are going to need some pretty quick lessons in Afrikaans.)

Unfortunately I did not get a chance to tell the Lady mayor my "Talking Duck" joke which I will just have to inflict upon her at a club lunch.  

                                 
From the sands of the Afghan plains and the might of the British military, we move on to the sands of Clacton-on-Sea and the might (or “might not”) of the British social rugby player

BEACH RUGBY

My thanks to Clacton RFC for staging yet another fantastic day of social rugby and for arranging some decent weather and refreshments.

Entitled the “Core Beach Rugby Festival” the event successfully reinforced the core values (“TREDS”) with a cracking rugby event. Yes there was till the odd mumpty who just “didn’t get it” but overall it was the sort of event that keeps the game in he right sort of limelight.

In fact, so impressed was at least one family of spectators that “Mum and Dad” have said that they will be bringing the kids along to Colchester RFC next season so that they can give the “game proper” a go. Result. (I tried to talk Mum and Dad into giving it ago as well. They didn’t immediately bite but the seeds have been sewn!)

The event combined teams comprising various combinations of men people, lady people, little people, large people and Sean Dodkins.

Great to see the Colchester girls / ladies feat. one John Vine whose fleetness of foot on the sand leads me to two possible conclusions:

1.    Rodders, the Colchester groundsman, is over-sanding the First XV pitch at Colchester or

2.    JV is half man and half dromedary.


Also having fun in the sun were teams from many other Colchester RFC age groups or, in some cases "aged” groups.

Maybe a team (or two, or three) from the Colchester senior squads could be put together for next year (hint, hint.)

Next item on the agenda is………..

CHAIRMAN FOR A DAY

In the absence of Club Chairman, John Powell, who was on a scouting mission (he claims) to Canada, yours truly fell victim to the Club constitution which mandates that the President shall chair the Executive Committee meetings in the absence of the real Chairman.

Goodo!

My main aim was to ensure that the meeting moved smoothly through the agenda so that we could all be home for cocoa and bed (or go clubbing) comparatively early.

Given this, forgetting my copy of the previous meeting’s minutes was, probably, not the most auspicious of starts but I managed to cadge a copy and we were under way.

My proposed agenda of “Apologies, Any Other Business, Home” didn’t quite happen but I still managed to steer the meeting to a 9.35pm close (after added time). This despite Mr Pritchard trying to "sex up" the accounts so that we would avoid becoming comatose before the end of the "Bar Takings Analysis." (Do we really get through that many Pork Scratchings?)       

Highlights of the meeting were:

1.    Playing with Stuarts balls (the numbered ones.)

2.    Increasing the Presidents stipend (another “nought” would have been nice but I suppose a tenner will have to do.)

3.    Consensus on allocating a not-inconsiderable sum to Mini / Midi kit procurement.

“3”is so important as to be unbelievable and reinforces the CRFC’s policy of investing in its youth sides. Clichéd it may sound but kids are the future of any club. By investing in youth from an early age, it is hoped to generate club loyalty which will see as many young players as possible remain with, or return to, the club as senior players at all levels.

It really is a no brainer or, as that sodding meerkat would say"Simples".

As JP is, now back from his jolly (having recruited two mounted policemen and a former lumberjack turned pole dancer) I am relegated to the back benches from where I shall continue to fight for freedom, justice, liberty and equality (as well as cheaper Lucozade.)

MINI / MIDI / YOUTH COMMITTEES

In both my “Presidential” and CSO capacities, I attended the inaugural meeting of the new Mini / Midi Committee led by Chairmen Mao, Borges and Pugh (not the one from Trumpton).

It has to be said that BB and RP have gotten off to a flier and I can see that the younger section of the club is in extremely good hands and heading in all the right directions. Yes there are problems to overcome but these problems are, as they say, good ones to have and we have in place the personnel who are best placed to deal with them.

The next meeting demanding my attendance was the initial gathering of the clans of the 2011 / 2012 Youth Section.

Ross “The Boss” Cowie led from the front and directed the meeting with such fluency and aplomb that before you could say “why has Mike Tindall landed himself with a Mother-in-Law who is the Patron of the Scottish Rugby Union” we had sorted out kit, training nights, fixtures and coaching staff.

Danny Johnston took us all through the Club’s proposed Coaching scheme which will involve greater involvement by the senior coaches and staff with the Youth and Mini / Midi set ups. Emerging talent will be identified and players will be mentored to ensure a smooth transition to and from Schools of Rugby, EPDG etc. This will benefit players and coaches alike. Danny has done a superb job in getting this programme under way and it will go a long way to ensuring that the club fulfils its commitment to providing a first rate rugby community at Colchester.

Ok that’s the serious bit so, moving on……….

AND FINALLY........

It seems that quite a few of the clubs players are  graduating / getting “ologies” etc etc.

Congratulations and best wishes to all who have completed degrees especially to Mr J McMillan who is more used to giving the “First Degree” than receiving one and to whom the phrase “passing out” takes on a whole new meaning

To those who are using Facebook:

1.    Feel free to be my “Friend” (everyone say “aaaaaah”) and

2.    Will somebody please post a translation of Damien “Supermodel” Brambley’s entries most of which would stump the code breakers of Bletchley Park.

In my capacity as the Club’s “CSO” (Child Safeguarding Officer) I shall have to spend some time over the next few weeks pawing over the RFU’s new Safeguarding Policy document and trying to integrate it into the Club’s existing policies which I will also be updating.

Alternatively, I could spend some time on a sun drenched Cypriot beach.

Pass the sun cream.

MP

29^th July 2011

P.S. Don’t forget for all the latest news from the Corridors of Power (and the RFU) tune in to Andrew Sarek’s Blog at

http://asarek.wordpress.com/2011/07/28/a-month-of-beach-rugby-touch-rugby-and-politics/

Up And Running

Or, more appropriately, “Up and Not Running.”

The fact that various species of animal are walking down the road in pairs towards a large wooden boat parked on the Shrub End playing fields is probably a fair indication that the rain has set in for a while.

Being “flaming June” this is very much par for the course but has rather scuppered my Saturday morning jog around the avenues and alleyways of old Colchester town.

The upside to this is that I now have a window of opportunity to launch further ramblings into cyberspace regarding “matters rugby.”

The fact that it is peeing down today may, also, mean that the rain gods have screwed up and that we are now getting the rain that they had planned for the Clacton beach rugby tournament next weekend!

On that note, if you have never experienced a beach rugby tournament, get ye to Martello Beach next Saturday, 2nd July.

I have taken part in the tournament for the last five years and, come rain or shine, have never failed to have a fantastic day. I have, in the past, suffered sunburn, hypothermia and have strained muscles I didn’t know existed (running around on the sand does that to you!) but I have always ended the day looking forward to the following year’s event.

As they say “fun for all the family.”

Full details can be found at

http://clubs.rfu.com/Clubs/portals/clactonrugby/BeachRugby8531.aspx

So, what has happened during my first month as President of Colchester RFC?

To start with, I was reminded that I need to start thinking about who to invite to the club lunches. There are those who are worthy of sharing bread with me and who I really should ask to come along; a couple of M.Ps and local dignitaries, some chaps from the game’s governing body and maybe the odd sponsor or two. I am sure that I will come up with a few more. If anyone out there fancies a free lunch, just give me a call.

My attendance at club lunches will, necessarily, mean that turning out for the 4ths on a Saturday afternoon may have to take a back seat for a while. This will leave the 4ths Captain, Dave Rhymes, with a major selection problem but one which, I am sure, he will be able to cope with (when he has stopped laughing.)

Also, I am going to miss the smell of damp shirts, mud, sweat and low-odour Ralgex all of which will be replaced by the more delicate aroma of chef Gary “Don’t Call Me Marco-Pierre” Potter’s wonderful cuisine.

The upsides to the lunches, according to Mrs P, are manifold.

For example:

1. I will have to learn to eat with both a knife and a fork.

2. As I will not be playing on a Saturday, I will not spend until the following Wednesday unable to move having damaged yet another part of my anatomy that 50-somethings should be taking more care of. (My gain is A&E’s loss.).

3. I may acquire some social graces (e.g. not using a dessert spoon to eat my peas.)

4. I may meet some important people (who, by the same token, will be fortunate enough to meet me!)

5. My public speaking will improve. I have already learned two more jokes thus doubling my repertoire.

Should anyone from any of the clubs where I may be dining next season be reading this and wondering what they have let themselves in for, I can reassure them that I do scrub up fairly well, can be very polite and that I can “do gravitas” as and when necessary.

Also, as a non-drinker, you will find me incredibly cheap to entertain but you must remember that, when you are going through the “oh my God what did I say / do phase” the following day, I will be able to fill in those gaps in your memory for you. (Whether or not I include them in a subsequent blog may well depend on how much you are prepared to donate to a rugby-related charity!)

The second major event of the month has been the first meeting of the new CRFC Executive Committee.

New members of the committee include Maggie Whiteman and Bill Anslow who have agreed to share the role of Secretary. The club is such a size that for one person to be able to manage the “admin” is a task of Herculean proportion. The Maggie and Bill dream team look ready and raring to go and I am looking forward to working with them.

In fact, such is the enthusiasm with which Maggie has grasped her role, she was able to produce minutes of the first meeting the following day! I am thinking of asking for the next set of minutes to be illuminated and written in Engravers Old English on papyrus using a goose feather quill. That should add a few days to their production!

Another change to “the established way of things” was the appointment of Brian Borges (“Borges?” name rings a bell) as the Chairman of the club’s Mini Section.
Following Andy Wadling’s decision to stand down as Minis Chairman in order to concentrate on managing the club’s Under 14 group (which itself has more personnel than the average South American country), the club advertised for a replacement.

Two gentlemen stepped up being Brian and Richard Pugh.

I was a member of the panel which interviewed both gentlemen and was very much taken aback by the depth of knowledge and commitment that both displayed. On the basis that we did not want to lose either of them, and in view of the size and requirements of the Minis section going forward, we decided to divide the role and appoint both Brian and Richard. Brian will be the “Chairman of Operations” and will sit on the Executive Committee, and Richard will be the chairman of “Playing and Coaching” and will act as a link between the senior coaching co-ordinator and the minis section.

This arrangement will ensure that both Brian and Richard will be able to maximise the effort that time permits them to devote to their specific role. An arrangement which will benefit all.

Anyway, the next Executive Committee meeting will be chaired by “yours truly” as Chairman Powell has declared himself unavailable.

I have already drafted the agenda as follows:

1. Apologies
2. Approval of Minutes of last meeting
3. Any other business

This should see us all home after about 10 minutes; maybe less if we can gag the Youth Chairman (only joking Ross!)

Up and coming events include myself and immediate past President Dave attending a presentation by 16 Air Assault Brigade.

CRFC has always been proud of its links with the military in Colchester. Many club members derive from the Army and we are keen to maintain the links that exist between our organisations.

Our support is always there especially at the present time when fatalities among members of the armed forces appear to be a weekly event. I read this morning of the death of a Corporal Lloyd Newell of the Parachute Regiment a Special Forces soldier who had spent some time in Colchester.

He was married with a nine week old daughter who will grow up never knowing her father but to whom she was probably the most important thing in the World.

War is cruel. Our soldiers have no say in the rights and wrongs of the conflicts in which they become involved. They do their job and they do it well. They are more than worthy of everything that can be done to support them.

As for “The Jon Steele Affair” let us move on. The enquiry team will work out what went wrong so that the appropriate lessons may be learned. Nobody should try and gain “political mileage” out of this. We are all one team and should play for each other. Weakness in the RFU should, and will, be identified and the game will continue to improve from the bottom up.

Anyone who still wants to finger point and whinge can, IMHO, seek an alternative sport. Rugby is better than that.

Anyway, the skies have cleared and I can see a dove carrying what looks like an olive branch.

Trainers on………………………………

Martin

P.S. My thanks to my faithful band of followers (two Andrews and Ian.) Feel free to spread the word; the more the merrier!

In the Beginning......

Colchester Rugby Club is a large rugby club. A very large rugby club. It runs teams for all ages of player from 5 to, shall we say "+50!" It regularly turns out four senior sides and has a First XV which plays in the London North East 1 division.

The Club has a first rate management structure headed by an extremely competent Executive Committee. It has in place short, medium and long term development plans and policies which will see it go from strength to strength in the years to come. This makes it extremely attractive to players and sponsors.

One of the Club's principal policies is its Youth Policy. The Club's, large, junior section provides first rate training and development opportunities for young players who, it is hoped, will remain with the Club to represent it at senior level. This policy is paying dividends and the Club is proud of the fact that a large percentage of players that have played at senior level, especially for the First and Second XV's are "home grown." This is a fantastic achievement and is extremely important in developing "club loyalty” which will help keep players at the club and further ensuring its success.

The problem with managing such a large organisation is making sure that the differing needs and issues of all of the sections are met and that Colchester RFC is seen as "One Club" and not a conglomerate of independently run teams and sections.

This is where I come in!

My role will not stop at being an ambassador for the Club. I will, also, ensure that all age groups see me as their President as well. I will be one of the threads running through the Club which helps to unify the different groups. My role is to represent, and to be there for, the Under 6s as much as the First XV. I will perform an important management function as well as the "ceremonial" aspects of a club president.

So how did I get the job? This question has been posed by various 4th team colleagues who are not quite sure of why the President's role has been landed by a non-drinking, non-smoking, non-former First XV Captain who still plays (a bit), referees and is still at least a decade and a half away from getting a bus pass.

A quick glance at my “Rugby C.V.” may help answer the question.

I was chairman of the Club's Mini Section for three years during which time I served on the Executive Committee. I have been the Club's Safeguarding Officer for the past five years as well as being a County Safeguarding Manager for Eastern Counties RFU. I am a product of the RFU's Leadership Academy and I am known to, probably, 80% of the clubs current membership.

In other words "it's what I know and who I know."

My profession demands that I am a good communicator, mediator and problem solver and I will be able to bring these attributes to the table as well. Being the proprietor of a business, I am able to understand the demands and expectations of the club’s sponsors as well, hopefully, as being able to assist the executive in the running of the club which, because of its nature, has to be run on a commercial / business basis.

Most importantly, however, is that I have a burning desire to see Colchester RFC continue to develop as one of the finest community rugby clubs in the country.

So, five days into my tenure and what have I achieved? I have let as many people as possible know that I am “in post” and will continue to get my face known between now and the start of the new season. I will, with the assistance of the club’s commercial / sponsorship team, be looking at ways in which I can help bring in more sponsorship as well as serving the club’s existing sponsors (whose contribution to the club is highly valued.) Being a “community club,” CRFC does involve itself in charitable and other projects for the benefit of various organisations. I will be delighted to promote these works and am giving thought to how to maximise the benefit that the club can offer community groups.

I will keep this “diary” as up to date as possible and I welcome comments (rugby related or otherwise!) from anyone.

Finally, I cannot sign off without mentioning two people.

Firstly my predecessor, Dave Wright who is going to be a very hard act to follow. Dave gave 100% to the Club and has been an extremely “visible” President. This has been noted and appreciated by all involved with CRFC. I am sure that I will be seeking his guidance from time to time.

Secondly, Rod Craig who recently passed away. I had known Rod since he was manager of the Under 9’s (the present U17s.) He was a fantastic coach and manager and a true club man which was rewarded by his recent recognition as one of the club’s “Volunteers of the Year.” Rod also refereed the 4ths for most home games and accepted the banter that was very much a part of those games with good grace (occasionally joining in!) There will only ever be one Rod Craig and he will be sadly missed.